Friends with benefits?
Can it
be purely physical? Can it
stay purely physical? Are our hearts capable of keeping out of the equation? Most importantly... where is the "
benefit" in all of it when
9 times out of 10 someone ends up hurt?
Ok, FWBs sound like a good arrangement... little time investment, minimal emotional responsibility, and zero maintenance or commitment. But the risks involved may not be worth the trouble. I've played kissy face with more guy friends than I'd like to admit (and so have most of my friends). But I think we'd all agree that it seemed like a
really good idea at the time as most things do after a couple drinks. But we'd also agree that our "friends with benefits" relationships definitely led to future awkwardness... game playing, prank calling, furtive glances, general stalking (kidding... sort of) and
heartbreak.
It may seem like fun, but according to a Michigan State study released in 2007, these "booty call" relationships only appear to offer less stress. Sure, you get more action than the casual fling, but you still have to deal with the same fears often experienced by those in “real” romantic relationships, like the fear of unreciprocated affection.
But why is this the case?! Surely, our emotions factor into the scenario unexpectedly. How couldn't "feelings" become entangled in the mess of a FWB arrangement; it IS (contrary to popular belief) a
relationship... just
not a good one! But the thing about "Friends With Benefits" is that often, only one person gets all the benefits.
Friend With Benefits usually ends up One Friend Falling For the Other. Sometimes it’s because one side already has feelings for the other and is hoping to start something. Other times, it’s an ex who isn’t quite ready to break it off yet. Or it could just be two lonely friends who need some physical comfort. Whatever it is, it usually ends the same.
...And there are also other cons in this sort of relationship. While you’re in the FWB “relationship”, other potential dates may shy away from you if they find out you have such easy access to a booty call. You can hide your FWB, of course, but that leads to you being dishonest (another serious problem in relationships). Furthermore, some people aren’t too gung-ho on the thought of their future boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife having an FWB. Unfortunately, women with FWBs are judged more harshly than guys. It’s a double-standard, but that’s just the way it is.
Then there’s the whole losing-a-good-friend thing. Because once things go awry (95% of the time!) it’s undoubtedly
over.
For the Ladies
(because we usually end up at the short end of the deal)
Of course there are some women who have successfully carried on a FWB relationship (formed no attachments, developed no feelings, benefited, etc.). However, based on the dichotomy of typical Male-Female interaction, Friends With Benefits frequently functions to service the physical needs of males while overlooking the more subtle emotional needs of females. Without mentioning the range of exceptions, women are pretty much wired to form emotional attachments to men they are intimate with. That's why having FWBs can get confusing. You feel attached to him, expect him to feel the same about you and so you want him to demonstrate caring (i.e. not being overly-affectionate with other women, having other sexual partners, etc.).
There are other cases in which a woman will become involved in this sort of arrangement because she's interested in having an actual relationship with a man, but FWB is all he's willing to give her
. RED FLAG! In this case "Friends with Benefits" translates as "he gets to sleep with her when he wants but doesn't have to give her the love, support and respect that she wants and deserves." Any way you look at it, this guy wants neither to be a proper boyfriend nor to be a proper friend.... and if he doesn't want to be your boyfriend in the first place, he probably still won't later down the line. He has most likely already determined what you mean to him or how far he's willing to go for you. Just leave it alone.
Ladies, if you find yourself in this situation, at least salvage your self-respect. Stop the flow of benefits to him completely. Maybe then he will pay you more attention (or maybe not). All in all, you will have learned a vital lesson: It's just best to reserve sexual intimacy for relationships where there are clear signs of mutual affection. Otherwise, you'll just keep going down the same one-way street, called
Disappointment.
It's
not the sex that makes friends with benefits a bad bargain for women; it's simply the nature of the deal—lack of equal emotional involvement of the partners. So guys, even if she came to you with sentiments of a "
no-strings attached" relationship at first, do not think you are in the clear. What happens when one day she turns to you and says (the all too-common outcome), “I think I’m falling in love you.”
Sticky situation. My advice to you, it's less messy to watch porn lol.
Maybe I'm old fashioned in this respect, but my personal opinion is that physical intimacy should be shared between two people that mean something (more than a hook-up) to each other. Far too often people hop form one bed to the next without ever considering the consequences of their actions. Then they wonder why they end up with their heart broken, or why their lover has "lost their damn mind." Ultimately, FWBs are just not worth the drama they (potentially) cause but to each his/her own.
Christina Aguilera -
Get Mine, Get Yours
